idk why but of late i've been having random urges to blog so yeah here i am. the letter i just reminded me of i&r okay i shall do it later i promise.
anyway woke up extremely late today at around 12, considering i had to leave for choir at 130. that left me with an hour and a half to do all i had. wasn't very happy with myself cos i intended to do i&r and practise piano with that time but it was too short for my noob brain to get itself working.
was kinda dreading chorale prac today because i was so tired and honestly there isn't rly a point going since i'm not performing for vd. but after going i'm glad i didn't pon or anything. i'm very thankful for chorale. they may not be people i'm very close to but i feel nice when i'm with them. they're a rare bunch of people that won't judge. i like how my batch is unique. there isn't rly any other cca like this. this batch accepts everyone for who they are. i admit, they aren't the most normal people around. people do judge them for whatsoever reason. everyone has their own little quirks, but when we all come together we make such beautiful music. that itself is another thing i'm amazed at by my batch i mean every single person is so talented and this is the first choir i've sung in that aims for perfection in practices, not just the actual performance itself. been through consecutive rubbish pracs in snchoir and it was frustrating to be so unproductive. but the pace in chorale is so much faster, the productivity levels are way higher too. and making good music with nice people, i'm really thankful i didn't quit. wish i was in singapore mid dec so that i can perform for vd but since i cannot i shall just savour every prac left :)
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anyway, was thinking about family. i'm thankful for my family, but i think we could be so much more. we are a very peaceful family, with no conflicts or anything. but we aren't exactly close. we're just like living our lives on our own, not knowing much about each others' lives. yes, we do share some telepathy and our value systems are very aligned so it's easy to understand each other, but there is really the lack of attempt to communicate more. we are increasingly more unaware of each other's schedules. my dad can be in japan and i'd only find out the next day when the car is at home during work time. my brother can be having his exams and i don't know. my grandma can be sick and i have no idea why she isn't out for dinner. or maybe i'm not even around enough to notice when she's in her room or not because when i'm back home she's already sleeping. nowadays i don't bother telling my family whether i'm coming back for dinner, except one person so that he/she can relay the message to not cook my share. this isn't good, and thinking about it i'm gonna regret it a lot in future, especially when my grandma passes away. used to love her so much and feel great affection for her but nowadays it's like my heart has just grown cold. i think i'm starting to take my family for granted. when i'm in a bad mood i just show it and don't even try to be nice with words. i spend so much time catching up with my friends and all but don't bother finding out about their day. i treasure my family, i really do. but i'm starting to take them for granted like they'll always be there for me when actually, God can take them away anytime.
i guess the mentality driving this behaviour of mine is that if i don't try to keep close to my friends they'll find other friends and i'll be replaced. but in terms of family my parents have only one daughter, my brother has only one sister and my grandma has only one paternal granddaughter. i'll always have my place, and they genuinely love me and will never leave me. it's the opposite of my mentality towards friends lololol. i am too insecure in friendships but am horribly secure in family.
from now on i shall make more effort to communicate with my family. today when i got home i went to my brother's room and asked about his chinese Os in an attempt to find out more about his life and show my concern. didn't turn into a full-fledged conversation like i wanted it to, but it's an improvement, at least. last night i talked to my mum, not just answered her. something i haven't done in a long while, especially with OP sucking up all my time, leaving me with little to spend with my family. should really use this time, now that i'm freer, to spend more time with them, especially since council peak period is round the corner and next year will just be too busy. maybe i shall bake a cake for my grandma for her birthday. things like these are bound to make her happy. :)
it's not that my family isn't a happy one. we may be detached, but deep down inside i dare say we love each other more than anything else in the world. it's an unspoken love felt throughout the family. though i may think of how life would be in another family, if i could choose, i'd still choose being born into this family :)
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