4

4 days I feel scared but assured that everything is going to be fine. All I need to do now is stay focused and study intentionally. God give me the wisdom to study things that will be most useful to me. Nothing is too great for our God!!! 

6 days left

i will call upon Your name

keep my eyes above the waves

when oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace

i am yours and you are mine

reality check : 6 days to A levels. 

feels so surreal, i can't believe we are at this stage where all we are doing now is trying to finish up whatever we can and wait for As to begin. i think wait is the wrong word it's more of like rush as much as possible before As hit us like a truck. to be very honest i am not satisfied with my revision progress. at all. i feel like i'm stagnating at a C and no matter how many papers i do i can't seem to move up. i don't understand the phrasing of A level questions which is a very weird problem to have. it's not even a language paper language shouldn't even be an issue. but it is. 

also i think i lack a major sense of urgency i am running out of productivity the library is running out of productive feels too, but i don't know where else to go. we played cards in hans yesterday from 130-3 i could have done a chem paper in that time. sometimes i just don't have that motivation or stress that everyone else seems to have. and i really need it!!! i need a panic attack now, not a major one but one that will scare me into studying harder. 

on a side note hans is closing this friday and i am really really quite sad about it. i still remember when hans first opened and there was all that hype about having a restaurant in church. soon after it became some sort of a canteen and started selling more affordable food at the side. i still remember when we had FUEL and went for break before service and we used to eat the hans chicken wing ah i am really going to miss it :-( it was a home for us we studied there had cell there celebrated birthdays there talked to the aunties when we were younger LOL sigh 7 years have passed so quickly. as much as we complain about having to eat at hans nowadays it holds lots of memories for me and i will seriously miss it. :-( saw the staff taking selfies while we were playing cards and we decided to take photos with them so that they will feel like people will miss them and their absence will be felt. i really hope they did i think the hans staff are very underappreciated especially during the peak hours after service ends and it's super crowded they are so busy and still have to face impatient customers. hope they come back sometimes to visit us and maybe attend chinese service or something ah it's so sad to see people go. 

also was studying in church for a few weekends and there is this regular cleaner who seems quite young and cannot speak english but is very nice. classrooms close at 7 but she let us stay till 9 on one of the weeks although it meant she would go home later. nice to know that people are nice (lol sounds funny) and i don't think she even attends service or feels like she is part of the church. actually i really hope all these people working in church but aren't christians will get saved one day. then they can truly feel like they are part of the church instead of coming here everyday and just treating it like a workplace. 

blessed

had a really really wonderful birthday!!!!!!!!!1!!! thanks to everyone who made it happen hehehe i really didn't expect much because it is so close to As and all like maybe just have a nice dinner or something but i am extremely touched by the effort people put in :') the 18 (+2) roses that kept coming the entire day hehe thank you everyone involved. also the flower thing made photo taking very convenient because everyone had to find me so i didn't need to go find them HAHAHAHA. and even buying bottles of water for me to keep the flowers so that they wouldn't die hahahahahaha. and ariel tan for crashing rj?????????? next time please tell me earlier that you are coming so that i don't nearly leave before you arrive but thank you for you and your obnoxious ariel balloon it attracted a lot of small girls on the train. thanks to the class girls for bringing me to try grub although i kind of brought yall there in the end LOL but hehe thanks for taking precious time off studying to spend time with me and i'm sorry for being a HUGE burden ytd i really know i was :(((((( and hannah leow who paused her math to go to llaollao with me :') and chua zijian who waited for me at ion just so that we could take a photo HAHAHA i'm really sorry but u should be sorry for what u did too >:( but thank you for being a really thoughtful friend and paying for express shipping although u rly shouldn't have. and thank you goh enqi ilene chua and tan huishi for everything, faking u guys couldn't make it and then faking that you needed to go home early???????? and working with osm so that i would be home in time for them to come and surprise me at home????? i am amazed at the level of communication that goes on between my friends really LOL. and of course noobs ariel tan charles and pop for coming right into my room sweaty and all. LOL. never had anyone pop out at my house before because like no one really comes over but omg can't believe yall asked my mum. what even lololololol. and war, thank you for surprising me today i thought it was all over with the flower thing. and for cake smashing me so accurately that the blackcurrant part landed right on my eye so i looked like i had a bloody eye. appreciate you guys :) also am very touched by jon and ryan who apparently shopped for quite long just to buy my present thank you i think it is very nice that yall took time off to buy me something and put so much thought into it no wonder yall were so dodgy last sat and sorry for ruining your initial plan whatever it is i am very very thankful for you guys :') and clinton and matthew for even thinking of coming over at midnight and insta dming sean LOL. 

and of course not to forget my little brother who really really helped in this thing despite his curt replies HAHAHAHHA i really find it amusing that people actually found ways to contact him LOLOLOLOLOLOL. 

///

anyway last day of school, really doesn't feel like it. as we grow older time flies quicker and these 2 years went by so quickly. maybe it's because we become more occupied with things. looking back it's been two very fulfilling years. joined many things, got to know a lot of new people and challenged myself with multiple commitments. actually choosing raffles was already a challenge in itself. and i am glad to say that i survived!! didn't think i would make it, both academically and socially but i guess i am ok with both now? or at least keeping afloat as of now. one regret would be that i hardly spent time at home in jc and sacrificed quite a bit of family time but i guess i can do that later after As. just have to make a conscious effort to balance non-acad life after As again. 

but there wasn't that much ~feels~ compared to last day of school in sn. guess the school attachment just isn't there. maybe two years is just too short, or maybe it's just the culture. will always miss sn and the people (and food) wherever i end up!!

also i'm glad i have a slightly clearer picture of what i wanna do in life in future - or at least what i intend to study. ruled out a few options and now i think i'm more or less settled with two, although they are very different and i can't really decide which i prefer. or if i even like any. or if i'm even good enough to get into either. 

K

The sad truth is the world doesn't revolve around you, everything must and will go on

growing up

we are all growing up too quickly. in a bit i will be 18 - no more consent forms to sign. i think i've talked about this before but this whole consent form thing sounds so lame but is actually quite significant? to me at least. the fact that we don't have to sign forms anymore means we are old enough to make decisions for ourselves. we no longer need our parent's permission to do anything, to go anywhere. we are responsible for our own choices. later in life everything we do is going to hinge on our choices. that is so scary. i am so indecisive i cannot make decisions i can't even decide what to eat when i go out and you want me to decide what i want to do for life in a few months time? what if i make a wrong decision? 

i am so fickle minded and indecisive i worry myself sometimes. lol. i am so not ready for this.

also i really really miss my sn friends!! meeting up/talking to a few of them really made me think of my sn days. how we used to doodle on the board in sec1 and when we actually had both whiteboards and chalkboards and life was fun and carefree. i miss my recess gang and all we ate and talked about. we were actually spoilt for choice and had difficulty deciding what to eat on wednesdays and thursdays because there was so much cheap good food. i miss 2wisdom, the best class till date. i like how we could co-exist as two cliques made up of half the class each and we were all cool with one another, how we did crazy things and hated on teachers together and had a whole lot of fun anyway. i remember our indian dance and nat day deco and everything :') i miss choir and having close seniors and juniors. the feeling is so different from now. i hope they are all doing fine now. i miss russia - best school trip ever - winning our 99/100 gold and buying millions of russian dolls. i miss my friendies. as much as we laughed at crystal for looking forward to school i did enjoy school and a big reason why was you guys :) miss seeing yall everyday things are really very different now. i miss having a warm environment where more focus was placed on love and family rather than competition and excellence. 

but it's okay, and i think i will miss raffles too. we don't know how much we have till we lose it. in a month or two i'm going to say goodbye to raffles and goodbye to a school environment. goodbye to boys my age - that's a whole lot of friends. as much as i dislike it i think i will miss it. time passes by too quickly, it doesn't feel like our time here is up soon. but it is. and i'll always be grateful to everyone i met here who changed my life in someway or another :-)

can.will.must.

pretty good week without much work done. got all my results back and i am just neutral really gotta work a lot harder because the learning curve is very steep now and things aren't gonna come so quickly anymore. got mini panic attacks while trying A level papers because they really aren't easy at all and i'm doing worse for them than for prelim papers? idk. maybe i just gotta get used to their weird asking methods. they are so weird. 

celebrated levia's birthday with some class girls ytd at park! should have tried new food though. ok new resolution is that the next cafe i go to i am not gonna eat poached eggs. i am so unadventurous everywhere i go i eat the same thing. it's time for a change!!!!!! but anyway i think she could kind of guess everything we were gonna do so :( but it's ok i think she was happy hehehehe :> then nearly a failed surprise for chong because i wanted to go to her house to surprise her but she was out. zzzzzzz. managed to meet her heidi and jerm in the end though! triangles yay! went back to school and finished a physics paper before going for supper with daddy :) 

nlb today it was quite productive though quality of work wasn't fantastic. nearly failed an A level chem paper again sigh :( but it's ok i will work harder from here i can i will i must! 

five and dime

went to five and dime for brunch today!!!!!!1!! woke up bright and early just to go and was so tired but glad i got to try it the food is really good though the drinks and desserts are a bit overpriced. but nice ambience and good food i really enjoyed myself today. plus it's the first time i went to a cafe with my family because my dad doesn't really like small portions and all but i think he was quite pleased with the food simply because it was breakfast to him so it was substantial enough HAHA. not many (or rather no) food photos other than the one on insta because my phone ran out of space zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

anyway i think i'm taking too long a break i haven't been doing much work and it's only 27 days to As that's really short but idk why my engine isn't working very well. did a physics p2 and a chem mcq and barely passed both. was a bit disheartened because like hey it's an A level paper it's supposed to be much easier than prelims but i just passed??? was totally not what i was expecting when i did it but ohwell. guess i need to work hard! and i still need to think about the bmat thing idk siansian. 

anyway it was a good weekend at nlb and at church good time spent with good people though nothing much was done. time to buck up! especially after getting back results i would say i wasn't very pleased with them they weren't terrible but they just weren't really up to expectations. getting back the 2 bad papers tmr i really hope i pass econs and that i can improve my econs in the next 3 weeks or so..... 

viva la victoria

happy happy day today!!!!!!!!!!1! finally fulfilled my lifelong dream of being a vj student even if it was just for a day :-) i really like vj the culture seems nicer and warmer although it may just be because of my lovely friends hehe wanted to surprise people but some people ended up spotting me and surprising me instead but ah well it was a good day :-) there were so many crashers btw lol idk what i did but it became a mini class outing + shiqing lizzy and josh! tried nice food and drinks and spotted good looking people hehehehe although it was such a terrible experience and i really wanted to dig a hole and hide myself because technically i'm not supposed to even know he exists 

anyway basically we just lepaked around and i actually brought work to do but hahahhahaha who am i kidding i didn't even open my file. was good to spend some time with crystal dwee and jia who sacrificed their breaks to walk around with me hehehe love all of u and also the random people we bumped into along the way!!!!! took many photos but didn't get to take with some and omg the hilary toh who went home at 1245 zzzzzzzzzzz. (also vj has a non hobo culture everyone goes home after school?????) 

anyway we went to kok's house afterwards to play mahjong HAHA it was quite funny and a good time spent relaxing and cooling down from the super hot vj uniform. i honestly think it is very nice though i would like to try the ac uniform one day HAHA. 

'twas a really good day!!!