lol

wonder who even reads this nowadays 

idk how the 17 pageviews from 27 oct came about HAHAHA who even managed to find this?????????

shall do an update soon but im in biz law class now on a saturday morning sob sob! 

hiatus

i feel like my laptop is my life now LOL everyday i come home looking forward to use it HAHAHA. am immensely pleased with my new keyboard cover it's gradient blue!!!! :D 

anyway, it's been 2 weeks of official uni life and i think i'm adjusting fine. the first few weeks sucked because i really felt like an ultimate loner, since 99% of my friends aren't in ntu and even if they are they aren't in my course. and i have no roomie (which isn't exactly a bad thing) but it means i go home to four walls everyday. 

but then again, i hardly spend time awake in my room HAHA. most of the nights are spent out in brandon's room with the regular crew HAHA. honestly, it is a complete waste of time and i can't afford to do this anymore from next week onwards. need to start studying???? 

speaking of lessons, i'm a total lagger because i always come unprepared for class. i hope having a light laptop will motivate me to use it and be more prepared for class LOL. 

on a more serious note, i wrote out a 3 page long reflection on uni admissions a few weeks ago and i think God has really been faithful. although being here really isn't part of my ideal plan, i accept it and believe God has a reason for me to be here. from being in ntu to being in crescent hall, i think God has his reasons and i'm slowly beginning to see the brighter side of things. no point mulling over lost opportunities, i should just move on and work with what i have!! 

woes

everyday is a struggle nothing seems to be going right for uni or at least not what i expect it to be. i didn't get to study what i want to (which is partially my own fault), going to study in the uni i least want to be in, did not get the scholarship i wanted, can't even get into orientation camps, may not get to stay with my room mate?? the future ahead looks so bleak. 

God if this is where you want me to be then please show me what to do from here? it's really not easy and sometimes i just want to pull out of school and go overseas to do med. to study what i really want to study. but because of the prayer i prayed i shall trust You that where you've led me to is where you want me to be. i guess only in times like these am i able to truly say that i want Your plan for me not because your plan for me is good but because they are Your plans, and even if they are painful, i will accept it. 

You give and take away, my heart will choose to say blessed be Your name. 

///

on a lighter note, i think i may be dyeing my hair tomorrow? bought the dyes today and laura may be coming over to help me tmr! something to brighten up this season i guess. also, HIS LIFE musical is this week!!! if anyone even sees this and is interested, it's basically a musical by a 80-strong membered cast from the USA of broadway standard, and this time it's fully sponsored by my church!!!! it's gonna be amazing and i'm excited too :D if you don't want to reveal that you know my blog you can just say you found out from my insta LOL do come!!!!!!!!!! don't miss this opportunity and invite your friends!!!! since it's free and church paid already don't waste!!! ^___^  

driving :(

failed my driving test and was honestly q disappointed like zzzz sianz i rly wanted to pass on first try??? partially because I am gonna start uni soon and driving will be another burden esp when I'm gonna be living on pulau ntu. also that my pdl is expiring this Friday so it costs even more money + another trip down to renew it. but another part is also to be able to proudly say that I passed on my first try?? maybe there's a little pride involved in this thing but I just really, really wanted to pass. prayed that I would do well for God's glory but who am I kidding??? we always use this phrase so casually I wonder how many times we truly mean it when we say it. 

but anyway, no point being so hung up about it I will just move on!!!! I guess God is just trying to save me from an accident or smth HAHA. special thanks to kit who i bumped into otw out of cdc (he was driving inside the car HAHA) who met me at paya lebar and took train with me to bugis!!!!! u r a wonderful friend kitz im really thankful to be your friend 🙆 PLS pass your driving this wed don't end up a sad case like me HAHA. also bumped into buddy tung and Dexter there?? nice short catch up with both of them esp dexter LOL I can't even say this is a catch up because I think this is the most we have ever talked HAHA. 

so much regret right now!!! God pls help me out of this dumb situation I got myself into 

sigh

sometimes I still feel sad about the outcome?? life in two months time better be good 

better is one day in Your courts than thousands elsewhere

reading my blog now and it seems like such a sad place!!!!!!!!!!!!!! maybe because all my happy moments are on dayre but i can't post a lot of thoughts there because it's open to the world and people can so easily find me there LOL. but anyway, no!!! life has not been so sad. in fact it's been pretty happy, except for stupid work HAHA.

anyway, major thing in my life now is basically church, and being a leader AND youth in ignyte. i'm really glad i chose to accept the challenge and become a leader, because i've rly seen myself grow in many areas!!! within the first 2 months i grew a lot alr, because i felt myself kinda slipping into the shadows of church. there was nothing much to keep me there and i was ok being a regular church goer which i knew was kinda bad but this whole leader thing pulled me back!!! now that i have youths i am accountable to them. it makes me a lot more conscious of how i live life and keeps me in check. i can't lead out of a dry spirit so i am sort of forced to keep growing and receiving so i can give. another thing is an increase in boldness. spiritual boldness to pray out loud and with conviction, believing in prophesy in prayer and daring to speak it into people's lives, out of which i had gotten an affirmation from a fellow grad f and i was really glad it spoke to her! also warmed up to a lot of other people i never thought i'd even be friends with in ignyte. being in grads cell has also been a huge blessing. i didn't think our grads cell would work out because of the lack of guys and excessive number of girls, who appeared to be rather cliquey. i think the time we truly opened up was during calvin's party, where i talked to a lot more ppl than i usually do. and right now where we are, i'm really really thankful!!!!!!!!! grads are a bunch of rly nice people who are passionate about God, willing to dedicate time to God and his projects and i'm so encouraged by selfless people like gav, all the drama people and dancers who rly commit a huge lot of time to church. and also cheryl wong who works with me behind the scenes on decor. i can't believe we r spending so much time on such a minor thing but yes we choose to give our best. (also did my first ever small acting role for the pub vid but LOL that is secondary) just thinking about all these makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. it's such a privilege to be serving in God's house, to find like-minded people, to grow and watch people grow. i really thank God for this season of my life. i think is the most involved i can be in church for quite a while, because when school starts i'm not sure how i'm going to juggle my time.

going to church to paint again later and i'm so glad to have these people on board with me :-) i really enjoy doing the things of God. it's tiring and time consuming but immensely satisfying. i am so blessed to be chosen by God, to be picked out by leaders who believe in me and force me to grow by throwing me into the deep end even though i keep complaining and saying i can't do it, for friends who walk through this journey with me esp u ctjt. also, thank you God for being in my life, i really don't know where i'd be without you. 

nuh

sitting outside nuh because I'm early for work and I'm just looking around and realising I'll never get to work here. I think I may have wanted this more than I think I did. tinge of sadness but this is the prayer I prayed so I'll accept that this is God's will for me. 

all my dreams, I leave them in Your hands / all my days I know were in Your plan

content

i admit, i was really disappointed when i first found out i didn't get it. as much as i prepared myself already it was still quite disappointing to see that all my efforts when to waste, considering i just came from a capt interview and now i'm not even going to nus. i tried to remain strong but as the news sank in i got more and more affected as i thought about it and came to terms with the fact that for the first time, i didn't get what i want. i've never gotten bad news for important stuff like this before. major exam results always came as pleasant surprises, so this was really the first time i had to deal with such a high-scale disappointment. for about a whole night i was being emo, and even angry when i found out another piece of news. i don't think i was jealous but more of indignant that people got it when they didn't even want it, and i wanted it so badly. 

ok actually, i didn't think i wanted it that badly till i realised i didn't get it. 

but after talking to a few people and venting my frustration, life just goes on. there are many pros to this, at least i get a normal uni life and not just 3 blocks of 3 weeks of holidays, i don't need to wear knee length dresses to school everyday, i don't start at 8 and end at 5 and i'll actually have time for other activites. i don't have to wear so much protective gear to work to protect myself from germs, i get to work in a comfortable office and hopefully do a masters so i still get to study in my dream school. and at least this saves me from making a tough decision, since i was so scared of making the wrong one anyway. 

it kinda sucks not having a choice but i think if i had a choice i may complain too. it sucked seeing how others got it when they didn't even try that hard and i found it so hard to be happy for them because i didn't even see the need to be happy, since i don't think they were even that happy for themselves. but when i stop comparing and think about me and myself only, it really isn't that bad. i know i'm not the die die must do d kind of person. at least i am open to other options and didn't get so fixated on one career path only, and i don't even know if i will do well in d, since i am not exactly the most dexterous person around. plus, i guess i am just one of the 8 out of 9 that didn't get in and that is quite the majority. so, it's not that bad after all. 

also, i am actually on a scholarship if i go to ntu and i think that is already a huge blessing?? financially it is much wiser to go to ntu because its like a difference of about 125k in total, plus i get allowance. and salary wise i think b&a is really fine, since i'm not looking to be rich or anything, just well off enough to keep up with my current lifestyle. i am really blessed with parents who are fully willing to send me overseas if i really want to pursue d overseas, but nah i am not going. touched that they are being supportive :') 

"what does the worker gain from his toil? i have seen the burden God has laid on men. he has made all things beautiful in its time. he has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to the end. i know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. that everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in his toil - that is the gift of God. ... ... so i saw that there is nothing better for a man than to enjoy his work, because that is his lot. for who can bring him to see what will happen after him?" - Ecclesiastes 3:9-13,22 

also, i'm pretty sure God has a plan for me, as cliche as this may sound. i fully believe in jeremiah 29:11 and everything is going to be good!!! i genuinely believe that my life has been fully planned out by God. at least in ntu, i have huishi who i will finally be reunited with i am quite excited to be classmates with her again :-))))) and foh who hopefully chooses ntu too. i hope i'll be able to make good friends and join fun things!!! 

so i guess i am not too bad after all, getting over it in less than 24h. less than 12h actually. HAHAHA

uy

was reading 1 kings ytd and saw read about UY. UY is really a problem that hit home a short while back, and i'm thankful for the reminder that i should never let myself fall into that or put myself in the position where i may slip into it. didn't know there were so many instances in the bible addressing the issue. guess God really doesn't want us to do it :(

lull period

was having random thoughts about leaving in june again. the enemy does surely attack when we are at our high!!! i guess now that i have given my yes i will persevere and ask God for love to love them. loving young people is really not me and there are so many other things i'd rather do on sunday mornings. need God to help me love them and be genuine!!! 

anyway, i miss going out with groups of friends. i think 90% of my outings now are like with groups of four or less and it's okay but i think i'm forgetting how to interact in bigger groups HAHA. like groups that i am completely comfortable with. miss all my sn friends sian i wish less of us were working so that our schedules wouldn't clash so bad eg. gr8!!!! and friendies!!! it's so difficult to coordinate dates where all of us can make it. hope it gets better in uni, when we all have school and end at proper timings. or at least i hope HAHA. 

was talking to foh today and i'm having mixed feelings about uni starting. i kinda want it to start because life like this is really boring and i need a school environment again. but no because once it starts life doesn't rly stop anymore and it will just keep going on. i'll study get a job and keep working all the way till i'm old. oh my goodness. can you believe it this is our last real break. 

rather excited for next month though, because i think i'm finally getting a job again HAHA just need to finish this course then i think i can start working. exciting!!!! 

thankful :-)

 

 

finally all uni stuff are over!!! had a good day with my war friends :-) i'm really glad we are still tight and hope we continue to be in the days ahead!!!!!!!! had a lot of fun today catching up i missed u guys hehe 

also, got the scholarship offer from a uni but it's not the one i wanted. a bit disappointed but i guess i should just be thankful i even got offered something?? i know some people haven't even gotten uni offers and i should be grateful for being so privileged already but just a bit sianz cos the diff between the one i wanted and the one i got is really huge. but ah i guess something is better than nothing!!!! and realistically speaking my cca records aren't that wonderful too so. 

but this means there is less incentive to go there HAHA oh well!!! God will pave the right way!!!!! 

been a good week so far i'm glad i managed to catch up with diff ppl although right now i can't rly rmb what happened on tuesday alr. looking forward to finally getting a job HAHA going down to get the app form on mon with foh!!!! before trying a cool cafe i always wanted to try YAY to salted egg fries!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

d

d interviews are finally over, but honestly i am quite disappointed. feel like i could have done better for the dexterity test/should have asked for a new wire zzzzzzzz idk why some people could ask for new wires but the person in my room clearly stated that no replacement of materials is given? sian. and the interview didn't go as well as i wanted it to go. but oh well, i guess it is over and if i really do get it it will be a pleasant surprise. if God means for it to be it will be!!!!!!!!!!!

but anyway, still very thankful to those who have helped, esp aunty jo who helped me so much. for constantly inviting me to come to the clinic and explaining stuff to me, asking around for me, lending me materials to practise though i didn't rly use them in the end and for looking out for me all the time. i'm beyond thankful for her!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and dr amy who was being very nice and caring and telling me so much, encouraging me to pursue it overseas although i don't think i will and bringing me out for lunch. i'll kinda miss the people at the clinic though i've only been there thrice. 

but yeah, since i can't do anything about it anymore i shall just be glad it is over! and if it really happens then i guess it will be a miracle and i can be certain that it wasn't me being confused. 

update

just some pics because i havent posted any for a really long time (apart from ilene's bday)

val's bday / failed attempt to pay respects to lky

old school delights!! one of the most underrated food places

2osm4u reunion

total wasted day today, apart from dinner with one of my best friends! was supposed to do my dental ps but too lazy. oh gosh. i really hope i get feels and complete it ASAP. going to the clinic tmr for a short while hope i learn smth!! then driving AHAHAH honestly i have improved but not that much. sigh pie. need better control of the clutch and gears!!!! i love using the steering wheel though!!

also, i just applied for new jobs HAHA i really hope i get it. need to tick things off my bucket list and do things i'll never get to do again. sigh!! stupid commitment requirement. :( im quite happy living the unemployed life but sometimes it's just too aimless and i feel guilty spending. maybe at the worst case i'll go back to duke but somerset outlet HAHA

“The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people.”

problem is, idek how badly i want it

we'll be fine!!!!!!!!!! we will be :))) 

personal statement

temporary respite from uni apps now. who knew personal statements were so tiring?? or at least writing a good one is. spent nearly the entire day doing statements and now i'm only on my third draft. there are so many flaws and i know what's wrong but idk how to correct it. sucks not to have a flair for writing :( 

but anyway, had a wonderful day yesterday!!! celebrated ilene's birthday at barrage and took many nice photos, though i look kinda bad in most. plus i couldn't even wear nice and cooling clothes sobbles. but at least my vsco grid looks quite nice now YAY HAHA 

hope i can finish my statements soon :( it's quite sad because no matter what course i end up choosing, a lot of effort is going to be wasted. oh well! at least i know i won't regret not trying and keeping my options open!!

fickle

fickle minded me is at it again!!!!!!!!!!! just changed my NUS apps LOL. i really hope this is the last time i'm changing, or maybe i'll log in again to pull out from one course. eep. i don't really know, but i think i'll just go ahead with this? 

also, asked kong to help me with another referral and she asked me for a write up on why i want to study the course and i miraculously finished it within 30min and it was pretty decent? think it is really God pouring ideas and structure into my head. if you know me you know i suck at writing suck at structure suck at language in general. and my thoughts are always incoherent but just now everything kind of just flowed. and it actually made good sense :-) may e wong reply me NOW because i really need another referral HAHAH. 

Sometimes I wish you'd know how badly your selfish actions are affecting me. How many times do U want this to happen omg I thought we finally settled it once and for all. 

sad

don't we know how much God's heart hurts every time we are sad? i think for every morsel of sadness i have God has 100x more. it's like he's thinking, my child, why are you so dumb and being sad over such small matters? i have so many good things in store for you, if only you would be happy and trust me. 

also, it is not good to constantly be sad over similar matters. i thought i would be immune by now, but not really.

///

on another note, just submitted my NUS apps because i found out i can still change them after submitting. honestly, i feel like i'm doing this whole NUS thing for nothing cos idk if i can even get into med since the chances are slim. but i actually like NUS. eeep idk.

also, got my call from NTU today!! gonna have my interview about 2 weeks from now, HAHA didn't know they were so quick in apps processing. the call came as a bit of a shock actually, especially since it was like 5min after i woke up LOL.   

Thanks for being the worst friend ever in history. You bring me so much more anguish than anyone can ever 

i think my career choice just totally changed after today. it's quite cool actually. shan't write entirely about it now but when it comes to past, i will. just need a lot more affirmation from God then i'm good to go! 

confused

i am so confused as to what i want to do in life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! each day i have a different view on what kind of career i want. and the difference between each career path i have in mind is so huge. oh gosh. God i need some help here. 

dentistry

just submitted my ntu apps!!!

anyway, my med attachment has ended so i went for a dental attachment today! it was q fun, but honestly, i can't imagine doing it for a living. i think i'll rly get bored of it. but it is def a good and stable job and they are always hiring dentists. the biggest problem i have with dentistry is i worry my hands fail me in future, like what if my hands become weak or i lose control of my hands or smth. my whole career will just be gone!!!!!!!! another problem is that dentistry is very unintellectually stimulating, which i kinda have a problem with. i actually like to use my brain, however weird this may sound!!! but there are so many other reasons why i think dentistry could be the thing for me. aiyo i feel so fickle minded now. 

SAY SOMETHING I'M GIVING UP ON YOU

Need to stop drowning myself in sorrows!!!!! The joy of the Lord is my strength!!!!! Life goes on and God has reasons for whatever is happening :-) 

:-)

today was, ultimately, a good day. :) 

God is so full of surprises, really. been praying the past few days and reading bible passages and listening to songs and the vibe i got was that i was going to do badly. read ecclesiastes which talks about being satisfied with whatever i have because this is my lot, then a psalm which talks about how riches stored on earth are meaningless and then idk i just had this weird feeling i would get straight Bs but by the grace of God, i think i did really well :) completely exceeded my expectations and honestly it is way beyond my own abilities, except gp. really happy esp for gp because i think i worked really hard for it and deserve it?? HAHA. 

 honestly, grades do matter but they aren't everything. in the end grades are just a key to the doors God is opening for me. the fact that God is leading me to the place where i will fulfil the plans he has for me is far more worth celebrating than the grades itself :-) 

med internship

it's been a week into internship and time has really flown by!!!! feels like i just started yet it feels like i've seen and done so many things already. i'm really glad i decided to take on the internship because i rly get to see lots of stuff!!! we were thrown into an OT first thing on the first day and i saw a cut open knee. i also saw a cut open elbow right in front of me. and watching a total knee replacement surgery on the third day, omg. minting and i were wondering what in the world tkr was so we googled and "total knee replacement" came out and we were just like whuuuuut. scared. HAHA. we are def more numb to ops now, esp after op wednesday. also minting left early on wed so i was left alone with prof and we went to see some ops and i got to wear the x ray coat!!! HAHAHA. random thing checked off bucket list. then prof even made me take a photo of a hole they cut so that they could get a pic of the nerve, since i was the only one non sterile. HAHA. 

also, i really like clinics!! maybe not so much now because i'm getting bored of it but on tue it was really interesting. i think its cool how doctors can judge and diagnose the patient just by looking, feeling and listening to their stories. it's so cool and that seems like something i wouldn't mind doing!!! i really mind doing surgery though. HAHA. 

so yup, after 5 days of interning with a prof i am slightly more inclined to med than i was before, mainly because it's interesting AND meaningful. most other jobs only have one of each, but being a doctor is such a great privilege and you really get to see a lot of things others are unaware of. like today, we saw this oman girl who flew all the way to singapore to fix her legs. she has uneven thighs and shins, so basically one knee is higher than the other. and one of her legs looks a bit funny too idk what the problem is and i cant rmb the term for it, but it must be v serious that they flew all the way here and even had a translator to help communicate with prof. her case is gonna be brought up during the post grad course when some famous profs are coming down. it's really cool how profs like to email other profs from all over the world to seek their opinions on how to solve unique/difficult problems!!! 

also my impression of private vs public hospitals has changed too. right now, if i were to be operated on i think i rather go to a public hospital because it's rly impt to have a team of surgeons instead of only one because this whole medicine thing is based on judgement and my surgeon could have judged wrongly and no one will know. also, private surgeons earn way too much HAHAHAHA. if i ever become such a person i think i'll work at a public hospital too, because like what soumya(a medical fellow from india - a fellow is sort of an exchange student) said, in private clinics you don't get to see the people who need the help most. which is rather true because the prices are soooo high!!! ytd i even saw a guy who couldn't afford to pay for a leg brace and had to request for a cheaper alternative instead although nuh is so highly subsidised already. :( 

but then again, it takes an extremely long time to get to the stage i wanna get to if i were to become a doctor, and idk if that is worth all the sacrifice. the truth is sad, doctors really don't have work life balance, or at least not till you reach prof's stage. i want a normal life too, i want a family, i want to serve in church!! and honestly i think med is going to take quite a lot of my time away. as of now i already feel like i don't have any time for myself or for anything else other than work. and idk if i'm willing to live like this and worse for 13+++ years of my life?? :( 

but then again, it all depends on my results HAHA i guess med is a nice profession but it def isn't as glamorous as everyone makes it out to be. you'll understand when you see how doctors in the hospital function. they are literally running from place to place. oh gosh. 

in any case, it's been a really fun and fulfilling week!!! grew quite a lot closer to minting too because i see her like all day everyday HAHA. also met some friends for dinner this week and yay good times ^__^

cny

was typing a long post about social media when i realised that blogger is a form of social media too. what i type here kinda contributes to the social media profile i inevitably create for myself. social media is so toxic. i wonder if our cell will really do the 1 week fast thing. but if it materialises i guess i'll be pretty excited HAHA. don't know how long i'll last though

Vday

Vday is so commercialised, it's just another occasion for shops to make more money. Was trying to buy flowers and balloons for Ariel today and all the prices were sky high cos of vday. Zzzzz. 

Was talking to someone the other day and asked him why he didn't have any plans with his wife for vday and he replied "we don't celebrate love, we celebrate each other". I was like wow mature but makes sense. 

Anyway I still feel that love should be romanticised, just for the fun of it. It shouldn't be an obligation but a pleasant surprise!! Ok sorry random thoughts bye 

great weekend

pretty much sums up my weekend. it was fantastic i had lots of fun including buying the $2 floral tank which i wore the next day HAHAHA. i really need cny clothes now. can't wait to go shopping with mum later HAHA. also can't wait to start work i desperately need money. speaking of which i collected my first ever paycheck yesterday but it was so measly LOL. need a better paying job and longer hours so that i don't spend so much during my free time. but other than that, it was a great time of catching up with people i haven't seen in a while and greater time spent with people i love!! really miss the army dudes though, life is quite different without them :( 

also been doing a bit of bible study lately and reading up on apologetics but i can't really find the answers i want online. oh well. will continue to search!!!!!!! 

and random fact i created a vsco grid ytd hehehehe. here's to more nice photos ^^ i'm audreythj!!