eurghhhh

frustrated by a million things right now i don't even know where to start. 

i am supposed to be on one side but i kinda agree with the other side but at the same time i am annoyed by the other side so i don't even know which side i should support. people do have priorities and honestly the other thing is more important but then again even when there is no other thing it's not like they prioritise our thing. 

and some people are just so eurghhhhhh sometimes i wish i could flare up but no i have no time and energy or drive to even flare up. can only pray that things get better or at least revert to normal. 

God help me 

keeps me holding on

was sitting on my sofa after baking when i suddenly thought of all the people in my life. people i knew when i was a kid to people i know now. people who left and people who stayed. and i suddenly felt so grateful for everyone i have/had. 

thanks for being my friend and sticking by me all this while - those who have constantly been in my life in some way or another. i am noob and annoying and reliant but thank you for overlooking all my flaws and accepting me for who i am. special shoutout goes to huishi and plum who have stuck close to me for really really long and passed the 7 year mark of friendship :) and others who have been with me constantly in the more recent years like zhenyi denise charles felicia ariel jerm heidi crystal jeremiah. 

and then the people who i used to be very close to but now am so far away from. glad that you've been a part of my life anyway and that you've made a difference to me. it's inevitable that we lose some in the process of growing up but i'm glad they were a part of it :) 

and then the people i've gotten to know in the past year and have been really really good friends to me!!!! shan't name but you know who you are :) 

but anyway, after thinking of all these, i think i'm very blessed. and everyone else is too! it's just whether we choose to look at what we have instead of what we don't have. if one person suddenly doesn't want us anymore, it's okay! we don't have to wallow in self-pity and live in misery because we have been cast aside by one when we have many other people who cherish us and are there for us! 

^ so yes we should all spend our time loving those who love us and stop thinking and yearning for people who don't care for us anymore! 

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baked some chocolate muffins with kitkat and cheese muffins but totally failed. ok they're edible but they aren't exactly nice. really dry plus those with the kitkats exposed became chaotah. oh well!!! glad i got to bake and relax anyway :) 

ppppppopz

sometimes i hate it when people call me popz. ok they can say it but i really hope they don't form this impression of me that i have too many friends and so they are not as important. firstly, this argument against me doesn't even hold water because i am nott popz so yeah. next, people often have this mindset that popz people have too many friends so you won't really mean much to them. after all, without you, they still have 23918738461235462 friends so you aren't that significant. some people even rather make friends with less popz people so that they'd be a friend of more significance in their friend's life. idk if this makes sense lol. but anyway i guess you get the drift it's just that people think they mean less to a popz person rather than a normal person because their friendship makes up like 1/50 (normal person) compared to 1/100 (popz person). 

now can i just say that this is totally untrue?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?! ok for me at least. maybe it's because i'm not even popz so like of course it won't be so for me. but at least i don't think so. if you're a friend you're a friend, who cares how many other friends your friend has????? if you're a good friend you'll always mean something to the person, and good friends are not a mutually exclusive thing. just because someone has close friends doesn't mean you won't mean as much to the person because the person has his own friends already. how about saying that the person cherishes his friends a lot and makes the effort to keep in contact with all his friends and thats why seems to have many many friends????? then it makes more sense for you to make friends with the person because he is a friend keeper. 

i'd like to believe that in this lifetime, everyone meets about a similar amount of people. whether you have many friends or not depends on whether you choose to get to know them on a deeper level, keep them close and become friends. i guess it's got to do with priorities in life? if you're a people person naturally you'd keep making friends and talking to people and stuff, and get closer to them. if you're a studies or other stuff kind of person naturally you wouldn't go up to that many people and become close and become obliged to spend time and bond with them, when that time could be used for other things like studying. so it's not that people are popz, it's just that they make the effort/just end up talking to and knowing a lot of people. 

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pretty photoless week this week had to use rubbish for my #100happydays oh well. there were actually potentially nice days to be photographed but lousy me forgot to take so. :<

emotional attachment

emotional attachment - no.1 killer of all times 

can't believe i fell into this trap of emotional attachment again. as if i didn't have enough of it 2 years ago i don't think i need it again. but why is it that the people i treasure most always end up disappointing me? feel so unreciprocated every time, not love wise but friendship wise. maybe i am just not as important to them as they are to me. ohwell. 

but God if this is what you want for me then okay i have no objections. if without this i am not going to learn i am okay 

dreams

I never ever blog in the morning but this time I really need to write this down, especially while this whole thing is still fresh.

Basically I just woke up from this scary dream. In the dream we were watching some show and were about the reach the last ep. Idk why but it suddenly translated into real life and they started screening Instagram pages of people and once the screening ended, the person would be dead. One of them was nainai so after her screening we rushed to a ward where we saw her lying down and assumed she died. Hugged daddy and we both cried then I decided to look into the room again. Suddenly she woke up and I ran over to hug her. She hasn't died but had weird insects crawling all over her.

Another part was that once your name was called, you'd have to go downstairs and die. Jon was one of them and I got very sad. This part didn't rly end but what hit me was that unlike most of the other ppl in this dream he was unsaved and that means that if the world were to rly end or if he were to die I'd never see him again and he'd literally be burning in hell. same goes with all the other non believers. Got me a bit worried and gave me the sense of urgency to evangelize. 

in my 17 years of living as a christian i never rly understood why christians kept trying to evangelise. it seemed pushy and like we had to impose our faith on others. and because i never rly understood why i never rly tried to reach out to others. i just led my own life as a christian, experienced God's goodness and left it as it is. i've never had a burden for the lost. but after that dream i finally understand why. it's because they really love the people around them and want to see all of them up in heaven. i think this never rly hit me because my entire immediate family is saved, so when the church talks about saving your loved ones i can never relate. the closest i got to feeling the need to bring people to christ was the whole japan thing. friends wise, idk, everyone's still young so i just never rly felt the need to get them saved. now i finally understand that christians don't bring people to church for the sake of adding to the church's numbers, but because they genuinely carry God's love for people and don't want to see them go to hell. 

///

anyway i took a unintentionally long nap and had another scary dream. people may not think this is scary but i really did. ok basically i was going home from some place and for some reason i emptied my brown sling bag's contents into some reusable bag and used that instead. i was with my cell (ilene rachel yanru etc) and left them soon after. i was on the train home when i realised that sean wasn't home yet so i went all the way to dhoby to find him. it was getting late and i got worried. can't rly rmb this part but eventually he appeared la and then we went home. 

(i have no idea how these 2 parts link) but anyway, we got home and then suddenly the cell came to pass me my brown bag because i left it behind. they sat down on the orange sofa (we were in my old house btw) when i spotted 3 cockroaches on the walls. kinda got grossed out so i went to the kitchen to take baygon. as i walked to the kitchen i saw some weird flying ants that doubled in size when agitated by human movement or baygon. their heads were weirdly huge. so i attacked them with baygon and suddenly more and more and more of these weird insects started appearing out of nowhere?!!?! then suddenly there were lizards too. the lizards started to appear from below the cupboard and as i sprayed baygon they started to fall onto my bags. ewwwwwwwwww grossed out max?!?! then i got so scared i woke up. 

i realised i have very weird dreams. my dreams are always very illogical, don't link and will never happen in real life. there's always some unnatural element inside. i used to always dream of me destroying my teeth and i have no idea what that means but i shall read up on it one day. also constantly dream of myself running away from something but just as i am about to get caught i wake up. sometimes i get nice dreams, dreams where i get close to the most random people ever and then when i wake up i suddenly feel as if i am really close to the person. but sadly, no. have to keep my distance and pretend the dream never happened :< oh and i also realised i dream in black and white. :O 

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suddenly quite a lot of people know my blog and i feel so exposed but oh well i trust the people who know to not spread it. not that it is very private or anything but i just think it is awkward and weird for people to stalk my blog and then see me in real life because sometimes the things i say here and things i say irl are not quite the same.................. i'd like to believe i am less blonde here than in real life. hurhur

thankful

it's been a very very fulfilling week!!! i actually had quite a lot to blog about but i was too tired to do anything the past few days so here's a cumulative post.

first up, orientation!!! can't believe orientation is over so quickly. short but sweet, i guess. been rly blessed to have bw03 as my one and only set of oglings they are an extremely fun and cute bunch!!! this is the first time i've led a group and not ditched them for another group/my own friends or anything. this time i really committed myself to make my og work and i'm glad it did!!! they're very tight now and ryan see even posted a photo and said 'why do i have a feeling we are going to last for a really loooong time' and shermaine commented 'cos we are' :') touched by these little ones and am thankful for all the joy they've brought me!!! sad to have to part ways with them now and go back to my sedentary lifestyle but glad that they are self sufficient and are going to have so much more fun together :) very thankful for louisa too!!! thankful to ryan sim for being so kind and putting me with her despite my endless demands for this and that :) 

also i am thankful for war games this is a place i didn't expect myself gonig into at all. given the high demand for war i put it as my first choice without expecting it since they'd choose all the fierce people or at least people in sports ccas. but poof i am inside because of some lame rule that they can only take 1 person per house d. by God's grace 5/8 of my house d is in ocomm and the other 2 are not in orientation so tada i secured my way in. we may not be as bonded as snd or storyline or what but i'm glad to say that we are a fun bunch! never dreaded going for war because war is fun and the people are even more fun. hehe. i'll always remember our extremely impromptu sleepover on monday which was decided at 7pm and we met at 11pm that very night. spontaneity at its maximum and i love spontaneity!! thankful for those who went like shiqing joshua nich edgar jack xianjun thankful for that fun night where i kept winning card games for some weird reason although you guys keep calling me blonde. and i admit that night i was really quite blonde idk why maybe i was just tired. but thanks for tolerating my nonsense!! sorry for being a burden and drying hair at 3am when some of u were crashing. thanks to all the other war people too i'm glad to have got to known u guys and thanks for camwhoring with me :)))))) so proud of us when people say that their favourite part of orientation is war!!! it's like our hard work has paid off, despite having to cut fun games and redoing logs and all. :) 

also glad to have met all the miscellaneous people during orientation, like shuyun heheh thanks for being my dance partner although i totally suck at the batch dance!!! you're such a bimbo but i like how we can relate and laugh at the same things and like to take photos at totally random places like doing the heart pose photo in the middle of oglings dancing + on war grounds. and the storyline people who friendlily welcome me whenever i crash storyline heheh. 

heroes was another success!!!!!!!!!!! was very apprehensive right up till the afternoon itself because everything was so messy and we were low on manpower and all. station masters were so disorganised and i didn't know what to because the other comm members weren't around and i had to do everything myself?? felt a bit like campaigning period again lolz but thankful for supportive council friends and other heroes who volunteered to be station masters, some even on the spot. thanks kimchia and zuomin esp for giving us advice and helping us analyse problems calmly so that we could solve things quickly and efficiently. in the end some games couldn't even be played due to lack of time (zzzz waste our effort) but what's most important is that the herolings and heroes enjoyed themselves and bonded :) was very heartwarming to see the programme go by smoothly. didn't get to spend time with my own herolings but i'm glad they talked to each other hehehe. 

and last but not least fad+vday

and take 5!!!! spent the night before baking at kokky kok's house!! finally got to visit the famous kok house hehe. we baked the bai se lian ren jap biscuit thing and it turned out nice hehehe. super buttery and chocolately but damn good. woohoo!! got to bond with the girls too i love 6Girls we are fun and supportive and all i love pe lessons and other girl activities with you guys :) to think one year ago i thought we wouldn't bond much but look where we are now!!!!! thanks for bringing joy to my horrible school life :) spent the night writing 37 cards for my og and class guys and died shortly after sigh we didn't get to do much during the sleepover :( but glad we had each other's company!! overslept the next day for take5 woke up at freaking 7 when rose was supposed to be at sentosa at 645. cabbed there and reached not that late, even bumped into the councillors on duty who were about to leave too. hurhur. was supposed to spend time with the class but idk why i ended up drifting off to other people, like ilene enqi jon and my small og!! oh well at least i'll get to spend everyday with my class heh. we have so much time together. impromptu meetup with dwee for a short but good catchup hehe she's another of those friends who i don't meet regularly but can talk like nothing's changed whenever we meet!!! 5 years and going hehe. 

special shoutout to jon because he did me an insta post so anyway, thank u for being with me throughout my jc life i wish we met sooner and got close sooner and didn't wait till like may before we became close. but it's been a good 9 months being friends and i am amazed at our friendship hehe. we even became role models for smallies!!!!! but yes i am very thankful for you despite all your rubbish idek why i am so tolerant of it. thanks for being with me in class and especially council, don't know what i'd do without you. here's to many many years to come i hope we remain close and never drift apart!!! thanks for being one of my best friends ever

i'm glad i typed this long long post, because now i can see my life better. there are so many things to be thankful for, so many people to love and be loved by. thank you God for blessing me beyond measure :) 

productivity yessir

visuals from the past few days hehehehehhe 

halfway through orientation already and tomorrow is day 3!!! time passes so quickly haiz one year ago i was a lonely little ogling lost almost all the time, physically and mentally. now i'm an ogl trying to make sure my little oglings don't feel as confused as i did last year. fulfilling experience, and thoroughly enjoyed myself the past 2 days. 

but anyway what i wanted to talk about is today. today was probably the best day in 2014 in terms of productivity. heck the studies part, i did none. but today wasn't a wasted day, unlike most of my days these days. i went to church early, for the first time in forever. reached church at 740 when i was supposed to reach at 8, when i normally reach at 815 or something. it was good considering it's our first time serving together as a new team and i really needed to set a good example since i'm the core. plus overall ic today. service today was messy (serving part) but we got through it anyway, and today felt different from usual. normally i just go through the motion but today i really looked out for areas of improvement, areas to commend my chers on, things to take note of and mistakes not to be made again. after service there were ftvs and i happened to get called by sis rach to go talk to them. normally i'd just assign chers down to talk to them but today i decided to go down myself. and yay, glad i did because one of the girls was from rj! appeal student who came in on friday, potential cell member, someone i'd maybe have the opportunity to grow with and nuture. i think she felt quite welcome so yay hope she's coming back! 

spent the afternoon with some of my favourite people. lunch with 2osm, then rushed to botanics to meet the cell who i ditched for lunch :( went to crash yanru's og outing and saw millions of ogs there like hh12 and mt01. skipped my own though but it's okay i get to see them tomorrow! after daryl and rachel left ilene and i went around botanics taking selfies!! botanics is actually very pretty we all should go there more often. HAHA. then after that i went to meet jeremiah for some creamier. didn't get waffles cos there was no space but i got a sorbet for a change and we just sat under some shelter and had a short catch up because the noob had to quickly go home and book in. missed him hate army :< 

went home and napped but got woken up at 7 to go exercise. exercising was in my day's plan actually but after the nap i was so lazy to get out. but anyway after much persuasion i finally dragged by lazy butt off my bed and went for a run! ran my first ever continuous 3k!! i'd consider that an achievement because normally after 2.4 i get lazy and just stop. but today i pressed on!!!! and completed 3.06k in like close to 20min?? not very fast but at least i completed it. could have done better considering i wasn't that tired but baby steps 4k next time then 5k!!! but anyway the sense of achievement was so good!!!!! felt fit and more than that, i felt like i conquered something i set out to do and that feeling is good. 

then ate dinner and after dinner i realised that i won't have piano lessons this week at all, and my exam is in june. got a bit scared so i went to practise piano and set a goal to finish playing all the ticked scales/arppegios and run through all my pieces once. sounds little but normally, i open the piano, play one piece then close it. was a bit sian of playing after a while but i persevered yet again and finished what i set out to do!!!!!! 

the feeling of completing something you set out to achieve is awesome, and i think i am going to do this more. life is so much more fulfilling this way. it feels better than just spending the day lepaking with friends. not that time spent with people is wasted, it's just that we need a balance of both. i think i've had too much of friend bonding that i've missed out on other things in life like achieving things. simple things like running, clearing my room etc. things that make me feel productive. i like feeling productive, and this mindset is extremely helpful for As. i am going to try to love studying, since it gives me a sense of achievement. ok after orientation, i'm gonna be more hardworking. i will listen in lecture and try my best to do my tutorials. try my best, means make a genuine attempt and not scribble stuff just to show the teachers that i tried and they won't get angry at me. everyone who sees this please remind me constantly of this goal i'm setting. the fact that i'm writing it here shows that i am serious, and that i need to be serious or else my future will be gonecase. 

alright enough thoughts for today i actually have much more to share but my laptop is gonna die soon. may orientation be fun tomorrow!! God bless the weather and my cute little krabby patties!!

cny

today is about the last day of cny holidays for me because tomorrow is just packed (with unproductive activities) and from tuesday onwards it's just madness. house stuff, orientation, jae heroes, birthdays, vday etc. so many things to do. right now i'm conflicted between 2 options - to do something productive or just sit back and relax before madness starts. i think i'm more inclined towards the latter. 

but anyway, it's been a good 3 days of cny, albeit boring on the last 2 days. day 2 was just laze around at home, wait for guests to come. cousins came over in the afternoon and we talked, took photos and PLAYED RISK!!!! our favourite childhood game esp during sleepovers. miss spending time with my cousins regularly. all our sleepovers and birthday celebrations and all. everyone's so old now. i miss the old cny atmosphere though, it was much livelier and more exciting. went for prata with lilang and mar at night though!!! extremely impromptu decision made at like 630 before we met at 730 HAHA. was nice catching up with them again. short but good time spent :) also my new love is cheese egg prata omg it's freaking ripoff $2.50 per prata but it's soooooooooooo good ahhhhh. 

today was another good day too!!! short service in the morning and saw kit and tze for the last time with hair. tze's already bald now. so fast omg. but yeah gonna miss these 2 esp during their 3 week confinement and after when everyone gets busy. :( sigh pie. anyway went for lunch with charles bim and pop. noob plum overslept :< good time spent laughing!!!!! omg laughed till my diaphragm rly hurt. i like spending time with them because i am really really happy when i meet them and i know these people will be sticking with me for many many years to come :-) 

went swimming today too! a very relaxing swim, i'd say. not even feeling tired or anything now, and one thing i learnt is that you should never swim breast stroke if you really wanna exercise. doesn't help at all omg. but anyway the pool is another great place for thinking, especially when doing slow activities like swimming breast stroke zzz. you can't hear anything, nor can you see much. so it's just you and your thoughts. thought a bit about class, church and important relationships in my life. not forgetting God, who was kind of the centre of it all. hope i get more time to swim next time. hehehe. 

ok maybe i shall pack my room idk bye

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sometimes it's damn tiring to have to keep up with social life. they always say, sleep, studies, social life. out of these 3 choose 2. i think i've unofficially chosen social life and sleep. i am quite sure i chose social life, despite knowing it shouldn't be chosen. and i know i have enough sleep, esp since i keep randomly crashing. so the one that has to be compromised on is studies. and that is totally not what it should be like now in j2. not that i don't want to cut down, but i don't wanna lose my friends so i have to keep making an effort to meet them. sometimes i wish friends could be more secure and understanding, and understand that i truly am busy with school stuff, not that i don't prioritise them enough and treat them as priorities. i mean i do, look, i'm sacrificing my precious studies to go and meet you and spend my time unproductively. not saying time spent with you is wasted, but it is an undeniable fact that it could have been spent doing more significant things that have lasting impacts on your life. besides, catching up can be done over the phone, and i am a firm believer that people can still remain close even if they don't physically meet everyday, as long as they are secure in their friendship and make the effort to keep in contact in some form or another.

tomorrow is a clashy clashy day yet again. hate it when stuff clash because i have to prioritise, and sometimes i end up choosing what i am obliged to do, instead of what i really want to do. there are 5 appointments on tomorrow, and 2 have to go. i don't know which one to give up, because some are obligations and some i really want to go for. obviously the obligations come first, and then for the last one i have to choose. idk i hate choosing because it feels like the unchosen people will feel like i don't prioritise them again. zzzzzzzz.

people need to be more secure in their friendships. once a good friend, always a good friend. is it that difficult to understand that????????????/