better is one day in Your courts than thousands elsewhere

reading my blog now and it seems like such a sad place!!!!!!!!!!!!!! maybe because all my happy moments are on dayre but i can't post a lot of thoughts there because it's open to the world and people can so easily find me there LOL. but anyway, no!!! life has not been so sad. in fact it's been pretty happy, except for stupid work HAHA.

anyway, major thing in my life now is basically church, and being a leader AND youth in ignyte. i'm really glad i chose to accept the challenge and become a leader, because i've rly seen myself grow in many areas!!! within the first 2 months i grew a lot alr, because i felt myself kinda slipping into the shadows of church. there was nothing much to keep me there and i was ok being a regular church goer which i knew was kinda bad but this whole leader thing pulled me back!!! now that i have youths i am accountable to them. it makes me a lot more conscious of how i live life and keeps me in check. i can't lead out of a dry spirit so i am sort of forced to keep growing and receiving so i can give. another thing is an increase in boldness. spiritual boldness to pray out loud and with conviction, believing in prophesy in prayer and daring to speak it into people's lives, out of which i had gotten an affirmation from a fellow grad f and i was really glad it spoke to her! also warmed up to a lot of other people i never thought i'd even be friends with in ignyte. being in grads cell has also been a huge blessing. i didn't think our grads cell would work out because of the lack of guys and excessive number of girls, who appeared to be rather cliquey. i think the time we truly opened up was during calvin's party, where i talked to a lot more ppl than i usually do. and right now where we are, i'm really really thankful!!!!!!!!! grads are a bunch of rly nice people who are passionate about God, willing to dedicate time to God and his projects and i'm so encouraged by selfless people like gav, all the drama people and dancers who rly commit a huge lot of time to church. and also cheryl wong who works with me behind the scenes on decor. i can't believe we r spending so much time on such a minor thing but yes we choose to give our best. (also did my first ever small acting role for the pub vid but LOL that is secondary) just thinking about all these makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. it's such a privilege to be serving in God's house, to find like-minded people, to grow and watch people grow. i really thank God for this season of my life. i think is the most involved i can be in church for quite a while, because when school starts i'm not sure how i'm going to juggle my time.

going to church to paint again later and i'm so glad to have these people on board with me :-) i really enjoy doing the things of God. it's tiring and time consuming but immensely satisfying. i am so blessed to be chosen by God, to be picked out by leaders who believe in me and force me to grow by throwing me into the deep end even though i keep complaining and saying i can't do it, for friends who walk through this journey with me esp u ctjt. also, thank you God for being in my life, i really don't know where i'd be without you. 

nuh

sitting outside nuh because I'm early for work and I'm just looking around and realising I'll never get to work here. I think I may have wanted this more than I think I did. tinge of sadness but this is the prayer I prayed so I'll accept that this is God's will for me. 

all my dreams, I leave them in Your hands / all my days I know were in Your plan

content

i admit, i was really disappointed when i first found out i didn't get it. as much as i prepared myself already it was still quite disappointing to see that all my efforts when to waste, considering i just came from a capt interview and now i'm not even going to nus. i tried to remain strong but as the news sank in i got more and more affected as i thought about it and came to terms with the fact that for the first time, i didn't get what i want. i've never gotten bad news for important stuff like this before. major exam results always came as pleasant surprises, so this was really the first time i had to deal with such a high-scale disappointment. for about a whole night i was being emo, and even angry when i found out another piece of news. i don't think i was jealous but more of indignant that people got it when they didn't even want it, and i wanted it so badly. 

ok actually, i didn't think i wanted it that badly till i realised i didn't get it. 

but after talking to a few people and venting my frustration, life just goes on. there are many pros to this, at least i get a normal uni life and not just 3 blocks of 3 weeks of holidays, i don't need to wear knee length dresses to school everyday, i don't start at 8 and end at 5 and i'll actually have time for other activites. i don't have to wear so much protective gear to work to protect myself from germs, i get to work in a comfortable office and hopefully do a masters so i still get to study in my dream school. and at least this saves me from making a tough decision, since i was so scared of making the wrong one anyway. 

it kinda sucks not having a choice but i think if i had a choice i may complain too. it sucked seeing how others got it when they didn't even try that hard and i found it so hard to be happy for them because i didn't even see the need to be happy, since i don't think they were even that happy for themselves. but when i stop comparing and think about me and myself only, it really isn't that bad. i know i'm not the die die must do d kind of person. at least i am open to other options and didn't get so fixated on one career path only, and i don't even know if i will do well in d, since i am not exactly the most dexterous person around. plus, i guess i am just one of the 8 out of 9 that didn't get in and that is quite the majority. so, it's not that bad after all. 

also, i am actually on a scholarship if i go to ntu and i think that is already a huge blessing?? financially it is much wiser to go to ntu because its like a difference of about 125k in total, plus i get allowance. and salary wise i think b&a is really fine, since i'm not looking to be rich or anything, just well off enough to keep up with my current lifestyle. i am really blessed with parents who are fully willing to send me overseas if i really want to pursue d overseas, but nah i am not going. touched that they are being supportive :') 

"what does the worker gain from his toil? i have seen the burden God has laid on men. he has made all things beautiful in its time. he has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to the end. i know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. that everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in his toil - that is the gift of God. ... ... so i saw that there is nothing better for a man than to enjoy his work, because that is his lot. for who can bring him to see what will happen after him?" - Ecclesiastes 3:9-13,22 

also, i'm pretty sure God has a plan for me, as cliche as this may sound. i fully believe in jeremiah 29:11 and everything is going to be good!!! i genuinely believe that my life has been fully planned out by God. at least in ntu, i have huishi who i will finally be reunited with i am quite excited to be classmates with her again :-))))) and foh who hopefully chooses ntu too. i hope i'll be able to make good friends and join fun things!!! 

so i guess i am not too bad after all, getting over it in less than 24h. less than 12h actually. HAHAHA