so close yet so far (to the new year)

how i spent my last weekend of 2013 - double buddy lunch, church with cell, CH team and my batch :) gonna miss jeann paul javen and the grads from my ch team a lot next year :( glad we're the only team that's more or less intact though

it's past 12am so well hello it's the last day of 2013. hahaha was actually planning to do a reflective 2013 post but i need to sleep soon so i'm just gonna write about my new year resolutions. wasn't intending to blog at all but while brushing teeth i thought about my new year resolutions and really needed to pen it down, so i restarted my com for this hahahaa. can't be bothered to type with proper grammar so just bear with me!!! anyway with regards to new year resolutions 

1. use my planner 

i shall be more organised this year!! anyway, every year i start out with a nice new planner, wanting to use it but in the end i always stop halfway. this year i started off well with my ri stationery planner but got too lazy to decorate it or anything. this year i bought a typo planner which is quite pretty but unfortunately has the timings thing argh. may end up ditching it for the ri stationery one again but no matter what kind of planner i use, i am going to use a planner hehehehe. 

2. his kingdom before mine

next year, i'm gonna be a good cell leader, or member. idek if i'm really the cell leader for next year but since things seem to point that way then yes i shall do what one does for now. but yeah it's been a good relaxing one year break from leading cell, and i really thank God for the break. despite being rusty i'm gonna try my best to pick up fast and make the effort to see my cell grow, in numbers and in depth. especially since this cell does have a lot of potential. i hope this works out but i was thinking of spending less time with my church clique and spending more time with my cell. not that i'm gonna neglect them or anything, but i shall reserve time after service to spend with my cell, to forge stronger friendships with them and to grow together. after all i cannot let other things or people hinder my cell growth. it's not fair to both them and me. and yeah i'm really believing in this cell so i will make it work! :) 

3. use less of my phone

from now on i'm gonna avoid using my phone when i'm walking on roads. less dangerous and i also get to think about life. (ok maybe unless i'm trying to avoid awkward situations.) but yes japan really taught me that travelling can be time for you to think, so hopefully next year i'll have more reflection time, apart from time in the shower hahahaha. 

4. stop wasting time

i shall stop lepaking around in school or outside, and do useful stuff/go home if i have pockets of free time. was in the council room today when weiler asked me what i did in the holidays, and i told him "useless things, all i did was go out with friends and that doesn't get anything done" and he just said that was something shocking that came out of me. sian even people around me think i go out too much. too much time this year was spent on rubbish, just sitting around school and doing nothing when i can easily go home. next year i shall manage my time better and spend less time meeting friends outside to lepak. as in it's good to spend time with friends and all, but hey i gotta get my priorities right. don't wanna regret when As come. 

5. be less affected by people

basically be more independent and make decisions based on what is best for me and what i want, rather than how people would view me. 

thank You

just now in the shower, i was thinking about drinking and getting drunk, and the whole alcoholism thing as whole. why people drink and stuff. then i realised that if i wasn't a christian i'd probably be drinking right now. in fact, if i wasn't a christian i'd probably be doing many many other things in life, which i held back when i was younger because i knew they were against my beliefs. 

but this got me thinking on what my life would be without God. like seriously, what would my life be right now if i wasn't born into a christian family? if i didn't start having a relationship with God in p6? idk i think i'd be really screwed up right now. 2013 wasn't exactly a great christian year for me, in fact it's been one of the dryest i've been spiritually. it's true, jc sucks up so much of your time, and rj traps you in that bubble thing that you get so uninvolved in other things like church and stuff. this year was the year i was the most inactive in church. i did go for cell and service regularly and continued serving as a ch core but spiritually i wasn't really engaged. there was always this blockage from me and God. when i worshipped it's like the veil couldn't really be lifted and i'd always be stuck at a certain point, never going deeper beyond that point. sian max. 

but i am really really thankful that in the last 3 weeks of 2013 i finally experienced my yearly spiritual high, and i'm believing this is gonna be my breakthrough. now, it's very different. guess the 10 days in japan rly made a big diff!!! one thing i learnt from the japan trip is that tuning out from the world, like social media and stuff, really helps you hear from God and sort out your thoughts much better. because you can't really do anything else you end up thinking about life and catching what God has to say to you. so yes our phones are a huge distraction and i shall work on using less of it, especially when i'm travelling. 

2014 is in 2 days and i am so unprepared. today during cell we wrote down one thing we want for 2014, and i wrote that i don't wanna compromise on God. next year's gonna be really busy throughout. council, chorale and rubbish in the first half and mugging in the second half. God shall be the priority throughout. i shan't compromise on spending time with him, going to church not just for service but for other things like L cell when it starts and stuff like that. 

anyway recently a lot of people have received christ/on the brink of receiving christ/started coming to church and stuff like that and i'm really really happy!!! today ilene kind of confirmed during cell that she IS a christian yay!! i am so excited to see what God is going to do in their lives as they start to know God better and experience his greatness for themselves!!! omg, idk why but i am really really excited for all these people to grow in God. amazing things God does in new christians. hehehehe. so glad they are saved and this makes me want to introduce Jesus to even more people. hehehe. guess this is the joy of salvation :> sometimes i really wonder how people can live without God i think if i had to do that i'd just die. God is my source of strength when i am weak, my assurance when i am uncertain, my direction when i am lost, my hope when i am hopeless, my friend when i am lonely, my joy when i am sad, my courage when i am afraid. how am i to survive without him?!?!? i think i'd just crumble and die. 

thanks for being there for me God, for being my only constant. people may fail me but you never did and never will. you helped me believe in myself, showed me that i am capable of things i always thought i'd never do, that i am in not inferior to others out there. you gave me the courage to try for things i wanted and i knew you wanted for me but i'd otherwise be too shy to try for, and gave me a taste of sweet victory when things went as planned. you helped me thrive in places i never thought i'd belong in, kept me going when i wanted to quit, found me a way out when i seemed to hit a dead end. thank you for seeing me through this year, for still entrusting me with your people even when i did such a bad job this year. i will do better next year and serve you wholeheartedly, like how you have loved me wholeheartedly, share your love with people around me, so that through me they may know that there is someone who loves them and genuinely cares for them, and that you are not a scary God but a really kind, funny and approachable God :) 

happy birthday Jesus

hello hello i am back in sg!!! honestly i was looking forward to coming back because of the many programmes lined up for me after japan but now that im back, i wish i wasn't. work is piling up - council work, unfinished holiday homework (or more like untouched), errands to run and all. back to hectic life in singapore.............. 

anyway speaking of hectic life, i realised that japan was a very very very needed break for me. got to spend time with my family. quality time, uninterrupted by whatsapp/twitter/insta or anything. thankful for our yearly getaways because that's about the only time we really get to spend together. japan was also the time when i was able to hear from God. it felt like the old times again. because i wasn't so tuned in to people and the world, as i walk on the streets i get to look around, observe and think about life. hhahah it's like being in the shower for 10 days straight. and with those thoughts God just comes and inserts His opinion on things, and poof i came up with a lot of conclusions. and idk if it's just me or maybe God really did give me the blueprint for my future..................... 

but yeah one thing japan taught me is that distractions are really distracting. ok no shit but yeah it's so difficult to concentrate on stuff in sg because we are so interconnected and have to care about so many things all the time. in japan, i only had to care about people (as in friends, acquaintances etc) when i was back in the hotel so i had a good 8-10h plus (kind of) alone. it was relaxing and my thoughts were so much clearer and formed. people are a distraction especially for an extrovert like me. throw in a few more tests, a few more council jobs and bam my time is gone. man i really need to start managing my time better next year. prioritise stuff more important in the long run, not just stuff important to me now. 

spent the past 3 days in church. touched down in sg on monday at 5am and met pop at thomson plaza bux to do christmas cards! finished most of my cards then went to thomson to meet bim for lunch as pop went for lunch with other friends. had udders pancakes hehe local food tastes great after getting so sick of jap food. then went for dental and went back to thomson to meet charles pop and bim for dinner before going for once upon a star at night. yesterday was kinda spent like that too HAHA met enqi for lunch then did my chocolate cornflakes then jerm came over for a while to bathe and went to meet eye for dinner then uoas again!! :) hope they enjoyed it hehehe.

heheh it's christmas today ^^ one of my favourite times of the year hehehe. as usual i made too many extra gifts sigh this year i made chocolate coated cornflakes!!! but yes i love christmas in church as always :) and ilene came again today!!! think she is gonna stay in trinity and i'm happy for her hehe :) think most of the churchies have a good impression of her too so :> omg just realised she is gonna become my cell mate omg omg omg HAHAHA. went for lunch with kit jere ben shermaine and eye, then jere and i met charles and went to caldecott for creamier, only to find it closed >_> so we went back to nex for dessert story LOL our usual lepak place after church. usual christmas dinner with cousins in the evening which i am really thankful for!! always love seeing my cousins hehe i'm glad we grew up together and grew up close :> 

happy birthday Jesus, I'm so glad it's Christmas! all the tinsel and lights and the presents are nice, but the real gift is You. happy birthday Jesus, Jesus I love You :) 

the best things happen unplanned

(I will also format this post properly when I'm back in sg) 

Managed to prove this little theory of mine again today :) 

Firstly, I've been wanting to eat ice cream for manymanymany days but haven't got to. Been very annoyed in japan and the least I could have is my comfort food but no I was deprived of that too. Which made me even more annoyed. But anyway today I gave up hope of getting to eat ice cream because my mum was putting down every soft serve shop we passed by. But for some reason she suddenly decided to go in and even wanted a cone for herself?!?! So yes we each got a cone of matcha ice cream and I was sooooooooo happy and surprised. Ok more of surprised. And with every lick I took I felt happier and more surprised than ever. Ok I know this whole thing sounds lame but it's really what I felt so........... 

Also got to buy a bit of stuff today like a new normal sized bottle, a phone cover and 2 t shirts! Totally wasn't expecting to do any shopping here so yes it came as a surprise too. 

I realised why unplanned things make me so happy. It's because I don't expect them, so I have no expectation whatsoever. So whatever happens will definitely exceed my expectations. Heheh love surprises and stuff like these!!! 

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Anyway japan makes me really sad because it is full of one thing that evokes sympathy in me : elderly. Nothing can make me feel the way I feel for the elderly. Guess I really have a soft spot for old people. The ageing population thing here is so obvious I see waaaaaay more old people than young adults. And most of the adults I see are tourists. Wonder where working japanese are....... But yeah not only are they old, they are lonely and frail. So many old people eating alone, and that's what I hate most. I die a little inside whenever I see an old person eating nice food alone. Nice food is meant to be shared, but they have no one to share it with so they have to enjoy it alone. As I type this many old people eating alone scenes I witnessed are playing in my head and I feel more and more eurgh. Saw so many old people eating alone in these past few days and I really wanna go and sit with them and smile at them or something, to let them know that someone cares. But it's so weird cos I'm like some random tourist in some random shop and has zero idea of how to communicate with them in their language. Zzzzzzz. Saw an old woman sitting outside the lift with huge bags of popcorn today, and she was miserably eating the popcorn alone. Didn't even manage to see her face and smile at her because her winter coat hood was on and she was looking down. 

But anyway in japan I realised that eating alone is perfectly normal. The ramen shop that we had our first meal at catered mostly for solo eaters. Many other places too, they have a lot of single tables and cubicles for eating and all. This is very sad. :'( maybe I feel so strongly about this because I'm an extrovert (recently come to terms with the fact that I'm an extrovert but I shall save that whole story for another day) and I need people around me. Maybe those people don't feel sad at all and are perfectly fine with living everyday alone. Maybe they are enjoying their old solitude. But still, I can't help but feel sad :( I wish I could be their friend or smth :((((((( 

Ok honestly, I think being alone is perfectly fine sometimes I like being alone too. But it's when they're old and alone that I feel sad. They're so frail and all and have no one to support them if they fall. Not like another frail person will be able to support the weight of their fall but at least there will be someone to call for help or smth.......

Anyway another sad sight I saw today was an old man carrying this advertisement board for some arcade in the rain with no umbrella or anything. He was standing under some shelter but rain was still getting in. Sigh why do they let him do that he may catch a cold from all that rain and wind :'( 

Sighhhhhhh. Sometimes I wish all the lonely old people in the world could unite and form some old people club where they can socialise and share fun memories together before they pass away. And more importantly, they need to know God if they still don't. God takes away loneliness x1000000000!!! 

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Final night in Kyoto today we're leaving for osaka tmr and I think I'm gonna miss this place. Despite being sick of the food and weather and boring shopping malls, the quaintness of this town is very pleasant and the short break from city life helped me relax a bit. Hehe. Bye Kyoto I'll really miss u :'(